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Fred Langa's "Just for Grins"

Reader Ian Sharpe sends this along. (And please: It's just a joke, OK? No offense meant to anyone.)

Answering Machine Message for the Mental Health Institute

Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline.
If you are obsessive or compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6
If you are paranoid, we already know who you are, but stay on the line while we trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short term memory loss, press 9, if you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.


Other sites to waste your time

Hidden settings in popular software and new error messages

How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

Klingon Programmers

You might be an engineer if ...

Click here for the Christmas Fun page


Links to other diverting sites: - wasting time at work. Check out the "Ballyhoo examiner" for an irreverent look at internet life in the style of the local country newspaper. IT Devil's Dictionary from Phil of Isham Research.

We reveal the hidden settings in popular software!


Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1,343 - 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed;
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently;
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs;
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs;
53 to flame the spell checkers;
41 to correct spelling/grammar flames;
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"; 
6 more to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive;
156 to write to the list administrator about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list;
109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to litebulb-l;
203 to demand that cross posting to grammar-l, spelling-l and illuminati-l about changing light bulbs be stopped;
111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this mail list;
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty;
27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs;
14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and the post the corrected URL's;
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list;
33 to link all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers and then add "Me too";
12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy;
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three";
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ;
44 to ask what is "FAQ";
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago on Usenet?"
143 to ask "what's Usenet?"

Klingon Programmers Unite!

Originally seen in TTN-Online -- September 1999 Issue

Things likely to be overheard if you have a Klingon for a programmer:

"Specifications are for the weak and timid!"

"This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium III 500 MHz processors if I am to do battle with this code!"

"You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you read it in the original Klingon"

"Indentation! -- I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!"

"What is this talk of "release"? Klingons do not make software "releases". Our software "escapes" leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake."

"Klingon function calls do not have "parameters" -- they have "arguments" and they ALWAYS WIN THEM."

"Debugging? Klingons do not debug! Our software does not coddle the weak."

"I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again."

"A TRUE Klingon warrior does not comment his code!"

"By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!"

"You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!"

"Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!"


If you enjoy Trekkie humour, take a look at this speculative glance at what a programming language on a Klingon computer system would look like: 

You might be an engineer if ...

... you take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.

... the sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions

... you bought your partner a new CD-ROM as a birthday present.

... you can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting.

... you have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

... you know what http:// stands for.

... your laptop computer costs more than your car...

... you think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.

... no one has the foggiest idea of what you do at work.

... you've already calculated how much you make per second. reformat e-mail

*When asked to comment, two engineers replied the following:

-I don't get the joke. I'm an engineer. All this looks perfectly reasonable to me!! And, yes I do re-format email!!

-Why are you asking me ... I'm insulted that you would waste 120 seconds of my time especially at the rate I get paid per second ...

  Traduisez / ‹bersetzen / Tradurre / Traduza / Traduzca Babelfish translator 

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Last updated December 05, 2005